Good/shit jokes thread...

[Hex]

Yeah, I'm that bored...



Pyramid Head walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"


There were no survivors.

[Buddy Revell]

doctor, i think im a dog

how long has this been going on?

since i was a puppy

get on the couch, and ill examine you.

im not allowed on the couch.

[Buddy Revell]

vid, on an olympic tip;
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Samurai_Speed_Walker/#44495

[Hex]

doctor, i think im a dog

how long has this been going on?

since i was a puppy

get on the couch, and ill examine you.

im not allowed on the couch.



Heh, like it.

[stephen]

A Policeman pulled me over this morning.

I twisted my ankle, and the bastard didn't even say sorry.

[procopius]

Bought a wallet the other day made out of an elephant's foreskin. It's great: when you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

[stephen]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

[Buddy Revell]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

IRLLOL

[procopius]

I get a hardon every time I see a lorry. Went to the doctor about it.


Apparently I'm HGV positive.

[J2TheH]

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?

Because he's a c*nt.

[Hex]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I get a hardon every time I see a lorry. Went to the doctor about it.


Apparently I'm HGV positive.


Internets are being won.

[Hex]

Pyramid Head and Candlejack walk into a bar.

There were no surv

[procopius]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me, give me the drugs"

She turns to her boyfriend and says "You did this to me you bastard"

He says "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said it'd be too painful"

[procopius]

Why is the bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

[stephen]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

[procopius]

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

[JohnnyYen]

Who's the most unpopular fan on the terraces at Borussia Moenchengladbach's home games? The guy who shouts, "Gimme a B".

[Hex]

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

[J2TheH]

"There is nothing wrong with defence"

-Nelson Mandela's gardener

"There is nothing wrong with defeat"

-Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.

[joe ersatz]

two cannibals eating a clown. one says 'does this taste funny to you?'

[procopius]

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.

One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her ****.

The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.

After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.

"What happened?" demands a doctor...

"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked," comes the reply.

[Hex]

"There is nothing wrong with defence"

-Nelson Mandela's gardener

"There is nothing wrong with defeat"

-Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.



Well done.

[JohnnyYen]

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

People say meat is murder, but it's not. I used to work in an abattoir and if there was any other way of getting the ribs out without killing the cows, we'd have used it.

[Marsha]

nick diffy IS a shit joke :p

[procopius]

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think:

(a) You need more time together,

(b) She's a prude, or

(c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?

[J2TheH]

nick diffy IS a shit joke :p

Bless her.

[stephen]

two cannibals eating a clown. one says 'does this taste funny to you?'

One of my friends/musical heroes told that onstage once. I love it, even before the punchline it's funny.

[procopius]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "****ing hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

[procopius]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[procopius]

I'm one of those people that likes to have a shit while I'm reading.

This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones.

[stephen]

I'm one of those people that likes to have a shit while I'm reading.

This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones.

So you're reading Sickipedia too then? ;)

[stephen]

WARNING: If you are easily offended, don't read this:


What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Maddy McCann?

Heath starred in Brokeback Mountain, while Maddy was mounted until her back broke.

[JohnnyYen]

I bought some second-hand paint the other day. It's in the shape of a house.

[Davos]

What's the difference between a fourteen inch electrified dildo and a magician's wand?



















A magician's wand is for Cunning Stunts.

[JohnnyYen]

What's brown and sticky?




























My cock after I've done your mum up the wrong un'.

[Davos]

What's long and hard and full of semen?


































My cock.

[JohnnyYen]

What do you call an epileptic hiding in a bush?

Russel.

[Davos]

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?

A bestialist.

[stephen]

What's brown with spunk in it?




Jade Goody's next curry.

[JohnnyYen]

This old Jewish guy is lying on his death bed, his wife mopping his fevered brow. He motions for her to come close to here his words.

"Rebbeca," he says, "When I was a young man, and my family lost everything in the depression, you were there for me."

"When the Nazis took our home, you were there. When they arrested me and put me on the train, you were there as I was led away."

"When I made it through the hell of Auschwitz, nearly starved in the ruins of post-war Europe, you were there waiting for me."

"When I crossed the Atlantic in streerage class, surrounded by filth and disease, you were there. When I couldn't get work because anti-Semites blocked my path, you were there. And now, as I lie here riddled with cancer, you're still here, right by my side."

"Rebecca, I just want to tell you...you're a ****ing jinx."

[Marsha]

Bless her.god, i even managed to type it wrong!

*gives up*

[Davos]

My wifecaught me sleeping with another woman.

'I'm not happy.' she said

'Well which of the seven dwarves are you?'

There were no survivors.

[J2TheH]

god, i even managed to type it wrong!

*gives up*

*pats head*

My wifecaught me sleeping with another woman.

'I'm not happy.' she said

'Well which of the seven dwarves are you?'

There were no survivors.

^Only LOL so far.

What's the most common Owl in Britain?

The Tea't Owl.

[Davos]

How did the artist paint a picture?




























Easel-y.

[Davos]

Why is Tut Ankh Amun the smartest pharaoh?




Because he always shows up in cuneiform.

[Anneka]

A bit of a geek lol
DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas...

LUKE:
NO, Father!

DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas....


LUKE:
NO, Father......how could you know?







DARTH VADER:
I have felt your presents!

[Davos]

vaderlol


'Don't worry darling, everything will be alright'
'But my career is in ruins'
'That's OK. Youre an archaeologist.'

[Tanye]

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?

Because he's a c*nt.

Mega LOL.


are we allowed to tell disgusting jokes?

[stephen]

Mega LOL.


are we allowed to tell disgusting jokes?

You saw my one about Heath Ledger/Madeline McCann right?

[Tanye]

You saw my one about Heath Ledger/Madeline McCann right?

aye, but only after I'd posted that reply.

highlight if you're not offended easily:


Whats the difference between a bag of dead babies and a porsche?



I don't have a porsche in my garage.



What's black and blue and hates sex?



A rape victim.






Why did the girl fall off the swing?




Because she had no arms.






Why did the girl not get back up once she fell off the swing?




Because she had no legs.

[procopius]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[Gareth]

man walks into a bar

says "ow"

[Davos]

a man from the distant past walks into a bar.

barman says: 'we don't serve yore kind in here'

[Blousey Brown]

More bee jokes.

[Tom]

What's pink, 9 inches long and makes women scream in the morning??
















Cot Death..




OOOOOOOH.

[sandals]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


I actually laughed out loud at that one.

[JoesHero]

whats brown and rhymes with snoop?









Dr Dre!

[Secret Boners]

courtesy of Mastodon:


what's the difference between jelly and jam?
















































i can't jelly my cock up your ass.

[Rach]

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?

Because he's a c*nt.

Best joke ever!

[Muzza]

whats brown and rhymes with snoop?









Dr Dre!

Quality!!

[Muzza]

What time does Sean Connery go to watch Wimbledon?





Tennish.

[doktorb]

an Israeli arrives at Nablus airport. Customs chief asks "Occupation?"

Israeli replies "No, just visiting"

[doktorb]

Man walks into a bar and asks, "Heard any good stories about me?"

[Tom]

an Israeli arrives at Nablus airport. Customs chief asks "Occupation?"

Israeli replies "No, just visiting"

*chuckle*

[Internets]

whats brown and rhymes with snoop?


Dr Dre!LOL

[Drunknmunky]

What is the worst thing about being a test tube baby?

You know your dad is a Wanker!

hardy har?!

[JohnnyYen]

Alanis Morrisette walks into a bar. The barman says, "why the long face?"

And she says "that's like, really sexist, judging me on my personal appearance rather than my work. I bet if Michael Stipe came in here you wouldn't take the piss out of his baldness," at which point I, who have been quietly enjoying a pint of Best and some pork scratchings, finally snap and belt her upside the head with a barstool and yell "I would actually, he hasn't done a good record in ten years, which still puts him ahead of you, you maple-syrup-smelling cow".

[joe ersatz]

just back from work nick?

[Siunaki]

Alanis Morrisette walks into a bar. The barman says, "why the long face?"

And she says "that's like, really sexist, judging me on my personal appearance rather than my work. I bet if Michael Stipe came in here you wouldn't take the piss out of his baldness," at which point I, who have been quietly enjoying a pint of Best and some pork scratchings, finally snap and belt her upside the head with a barstool and yell "I would actually, he hasn't done a good record in ten years, which still puts him ahead of you, you maple-syrup-smelling cow".

*steals*

[Ziv]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

"There is nothing wrong with defence"

-Nelson Mandela's gardener

"There is nothing wrong with defeat"

-Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.
LOL and LOL

[Drunknmunky]

Subject: A NEW VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two project team members to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Blousey Brown]

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.

One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her ****.

The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.

After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.

"What happened?" demands a doctor...

"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked," comes the reply.

I like this joke. It maka me laugh.

[procopius]

A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for her birthday. The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
"G.I. Joe?" the mother asked. "I thought Barbie came with Ken."
The daughter replied, "no, she comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

[procopius]

Why do women shave under their arms?

So they can iron faster.

[godonlyknows]

Awesome.

[procopius]

I tried to cook an African casserole for dinner last night using Hyena meat and oxo cubes. It didn't turn out well and just made myself a laughing stock.

[Ziv]

A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for her birthday. The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
"G.I. Joe?" the mother asked. "I thought Barbie came with Ken."
The daughter replied, "no, she comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

lolol, the funny thing was when I was a kid I made my barbie run off with Action Man coz he was better looking than Ken who turned out to be gay.

Hellooooo!
http://www.kf6nvr.net/blog/archives/blogpics/KenBarbie.jpg

PHWOAR
http://www.kameramuseum.de/kurioses/action-man/action-man-hoch-300.jpg

[Juggsy]

lolol, the funny thing was when I was a kid I made my barbie run off with Action Man coz he was better looking than Ken who turned out to be gay.

Hellooooo!
http://www.kf6nvr.net/blog/archives/blogpics/KenBarbie.jpg

PHWOAR
http://www.kameramuseum.de/kurioses/action-man/action-man-hoch-300.jpg

troof.

What's pink and rusty?








Maddie McCann's bike.

[procopius]

nun walks into an off-licence and asks for a bottle of Jamiesons, the owner says "Are you sure you're allowed Sister?".
The nun says, "Bless you my son, its for the mother-superior's constipation."
"Right-Oh," says the owner and sells her the bottle. As he's locking up that night he hears a noise from the gutter and turns to see the nun lying in the road shit-faced. "Oy!" he says, "I thought you said that was for the mother-superior's constipation!".
"Well" says the nun, "When she sees the state I'm in she'll shit herself".

[Juggsy]

Four nuns are at the gate of St. Peter. He tells them that before they enter they must wash any part of themselves that has ever touched a man's penis, though he would expect them not to have done this. The nuns, looking uncomfortable, admit they had some sexual contact before they heard the call. The first two step forward, quickly wash their hands and pass through the gate. The third nun steps forward but is suddenly thrown aside by the fourth, who looks at St. Peter with a stricken expression and says "please, let me gargle with the holy water before she sticks her arse in it!"

[jesperado]

Did you know:
The element of surprise was removed from the periodic table in 1921 - it could be found under the chemical symbol 'Oh'.

[Buddy Revell]

why are pirates called pirates?

because they arrrrrrrgh

[stan laurel]

whats blue and doesnt fit?













































a dead epileptic

[Rach]

why are pirates called pirates?

because they arrrrrrrgh

That never fails to amuse me :D

[doktorb]

I notice that the Democratic vice-presidential candidate has been chosen. I hope we don't get too much information about all this over here.

None of us want to be Obama Biden laden.....

[Dawn]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other slide.


Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.


What does Doctor Who order from the pizza takeaway?

Dalek bread.


And finally...

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar and says, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies, "Sure, no hassle".

[Lizibeth]

What does Doctor Who order from the pizza takeaway?

Dalek bread.


And finally...

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar and says, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies, "Sure, no hassle".

:D


what do you call a fly with no wings?



a walk.

[James]

What's white and can't climb a tree?

A fridge.

What's green and would hurt if it fell on you?

A field.

[Hex]

:D


what do you call a fly with no wings?



a walk.
What's white and can't climb a tree?

A fridge.

What's green and would hurt if it fell on you?

A field.


It's the silly ones that get me.

[topcat]

The Princess & The Frog

Once upon a time, a smart, independent, self-assured princess came across a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess: "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a handsome prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mum, and u can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night while the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't ****ing think so."

[procopius]

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

Because he was looking for Pooh.

[JohnnyYen]

why are pirates called pirates?

because they arrrrrrrgh

Where do pirates go when they want to lose a few pounds and tone up?



















































Aaaaaargh, gym, lad.






































I'm sorry.

But on the plus side, I did spell 'lose' right. Unlike most of the cocks on this forum. Is it fascist to think you shouldn't be allowed on the internet if you can't write English? **** 'em, hand me the brown shirt. Bastards have to learn.

[Hex]

Is it fascist to think you shouldn't be allowed on the internet if you can't write English?


Yes.

[Buddy Revell]

But on the plus side, I did spell 'lose' right. Unlike most of the cocks on this forum. Is it fascist to think you shouldn't be allowed on the internet if you can't write English? **** 'em, hand me the brown shirt. Bastards have to learn.

what about people who arent english?

nah, i think that on a form because of the fact that posts rae quite often said off the cuff, rather than written like a letter, then i think the odd typo is excusable.

but in the words of hank hill; "how the hell did you fail english, bobby? you speak it!"

[topcat]

what about people who arent english?

nah, i think that on a form because of the fact that posts rae quite often said off the cuff, rather than written like a letter, then i think the odd typo is excusable.

but in the words of hank hill; "how the hell did you fail english, bobby? you speak it!"

I am not English. Who is gonna throw the first stone?

[Buddy Revell]

I am not English. Who is gonna throw the first stone?

i was thinking more of people who are like, korean, or whatever, and cant speak engrish. banning them from the internet would be a bit fascist....although it would free up a shitload of internet space.

[topcat]

i was thinking more of people who are like, korean, or whatever, and cant speak engrish. banning them from the internet would be a bit fascist....although it would free up a shitload of internet space.

So you have a problem with me being korean?

:(

[topcat]

p.s. why can i smell chips, curry and battered sausage. I WANT. :(

[Buddy Revell]

So you have a problem with me being korean?

:(

i have no problem. i was highlighting the fact that it would be fascist to ban everyone off the internet who couldnt speak english.

*tickles under chin*

now be a good cat and stop trying to get into an argument.

[topcat]

i have no problem. i was highlighting the fact that it would be fascist to ban everyone off the internet who couldnt speak english.

*tickles under chin*

now be a good cat and stop trying to get into an argument.

Arrrrrrr me likes tickles.

[Davos]

Why are there no painkillers in the pet shop?




Because the parrots eat em all.

[Drunknmunky]

Why are there no painkillers in the pet shop?




Because the parrots eat em all.

what do you call a scouser in a suit?

The Accused!

what has two legs and bleeds?































Half a dog?!

[Gazno1]

i tried accupuncture for the first time yesterday.

when i got home my voodoo doll was dead :(




No Man is an Island.

Isle of Man ;)

[topcat]

Bloke goes to buy a talking dog, he gets there and the dog says, "alright mate?". Bloke says, "**** me, a talking dog, i've seen it all now". dog says, "i've won crufts 5 times, been on teh T.V., been in films, sniffed out explosives in iraq & run 8 marathons".

Bloke says to the owner, "what a great dog, why you selling him?". The owner says, "cos he's a lying ****"

[AlpineJoe]

Whilst watching King Kong earlier this evening I turned to my dad and said:

"What do you call a gay dinosaur?
...Mega sore-arse".

He laughed.

[AlpineJoe]

Bloke goes to buy a talking dog,

Bloke says, "**** me, a talking dog, i've seen it all now"

Lol wat.

[topcat]

Lol wat.

I am right in thinking this is the sh*t jokes thread? If so, I am in the right place. :)

[Slick]

Bloke lying a hospital bed, dr. says to him "i have some bad news, you only have 4 minutes to live" the bloke says "well is there anything you can do for me", dr. says "how about a lightly boiled egg?"


What's better than 12 roses on a piano.... 2 lips on an organ

[Fugazi]

And old Russian Jew is flying for the first time out of Russia to Israel, to see his Jewish relatives.

At Moscow airport, he is stopped by a Russian customs official, who opens the old man's suitcase, and pulls out a huge bust of Lenin. "What is this?" he asks. "Well," says the old man. "That, my son, is Lenin, the father of socialism. I carry his bust around with me to remind me of all the good things he's done for us!"

The customs official puts the bust back in the old man's bag, and sends him on his way.

At Ben Gurion airport, he is stopped by an Israeli customs official, who opens the old man's suitcase, and pulls out the huge bust of Lenin. "What is this?" he asks. "Well," says the old man. "That, my son, is Lenin, the fascist pigf*cker. I carry his bust around with me to remind me of all the bad things he's done to us!"

The customs official puts the bust back in the old man's bag, and sends him on his way.

On arriving at his relatives' house, the old man goes to unpack. His young great-nephew observes him removing the bust from his suitcase. "Dear great-uncle, what is that?" he asks. "Well," says the old man. "That, my son, is eight kilos of gold."